Seriously under conviction!

I feel under conviction – I don’t think I can remember feeling under as much conviction since my conversion. I feel compelled to repeatedly turn to those parts of the bible that seem to have become unfashionable (or perhaps unpalatable). I mean the sections that deal with things like worldliness, judgement, hell, lifestyle, social justice, true fasting, hypocrisy, practical compassion and self sacrifice. At the same time I am becoming more and more familiar with the lifestyles and practical self sacrifice of the Army’s founders (those who joined the battle prior to 1880)

A copy of O&R’s for Field Officers (1908) recently came into my possession and I was wondering if it would be possible to live my life as I would have done if I had been an Officer serving then. I also recently read the life story of Captain Ted Irons (converted at the age of 20 in 1876 and died in a drowning accident in 1878) it is almost impossible to comprehend just how much God did in this man’s life in just two years! I’m also re-reading Watson’s ‘Soldier Saint’ which (after the bible) is the most challenging read that I can find.

There is an irresistible pull towards actually trying to make the sacrifice that the early SA Pioneers made and an irrepressible conviction that their absolute single vision and un-distracted passion was the primary reason for their miraculous success.

All of this, repeatedly, leads me to the inescapable conclusion that these old and almost forgotten ways (I’m talking about spirit not necessarily methodology) are the conditions we must meet if we are to experience revival.

I remain under conviction, back firmly against the wall and in a corner that seems to become tighter by the day – God is pushing for an answer and as yet I am still slightly confused. I have prayed and prayed and asked for someone that I could talk to but the answer I get is “all you need is your knowledge of the past, the evidence of your conversion, scriptural truth and one wild and totally ludicrous leap of faith!’

I think I’m close to capitulation if for no other reason than I can’t see any other way out of this dilemma.

Love and prayers

A

Holiness, faith, sacrifice and La Marechale

How I have struggled with holiness!

I have testified to the blessing of a clean heart but nagging conviction encourages me to disbelieve.

I preach holiness, I teach holiness – I even have a webpage dedicated to its restoration. Without giving way to arrogance - I know none who has a better theoretical (or historical) knowledge of proper Wesleyan holiness.

Like the fallen priest plucked from the flames in Zechariah I stand before God constantly under accusation - never sure if my robes are still dirty or if they have been replaced with clean ones by a ministering angel, never sure if the turban on my head sparkles with the engraved confirmation ‘holiness unto the Lord’ or not.

Last week, following a meal with a close friend (someone who’s discernment and judgement I value) the challenge was put to me that the problem was one of belief – quite simply while I believe in the possibility of constant righteousness for others I see myself (with a kind of inverted pride) as being beyond (full) redemption.

Then this week I came across the following quote from Le Marechale. The quote is lifted from a War Cry article she wrote while in Prison in Switzerland.

'Jesus was crucified: Ever since that day, men have tried to find an easier way, but the easier ways fail. If you would win thousands who are without God, you must be ready to be crucified: your plans, your ideas, your likes and your inclinations. Things have changed, you say, there is liberty now. Is there? Go and live Christ's life, speak as He spoke, teach what He taught, denounce sin wherever you find it, and see if the enemy will not turn on you with all the fury of hell. Make no mistake, in spite of all the science and enlighten­ment of the nineteenth century, Calvary is Calvary today. Christ wasn't crucified in the drawing-room. His was no easy­ chair business. The world needs an army of men and women who can face Calvary, and that means coming down low. Do you shrink from being bated, misrepresented and spoken evil of? It is time you were crucified. Come down, my brother. Come down, my sister. There is such wonderful blessing and peace down here. Make haste and come down. Lose your life. You will never be happy, never be free, never be more than con­querors, until you do.'

It is both a crisis of faith and a crisis of sacrifice!

Yet in spite of my doubts I believe that God is drawing closer all the time – the blessing is within reach – God’s grace and patience is incomprehensible.

“In the past too unbelieving

'Midst the tempest I have been,

And my heart has slowly trusted

What my eyes have never seen.

Blessed Jesus,

Teach me on thy arm to lean.”

Love and prayers

A